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| She's beautiful,isn't she? |
Sedar tak sedar,almost 3 months she left
me.I still remember the day she breathe her last breathe on 22 nd October 2016.
Saya dapat tahu berita tu masa tengah kerja
part time di sebuah kedai kasut berdekatan.Actually,I just finished my final
exam.And this is where the story start”
19/20 October 2016
I just finished my final exam..On night
before my practical exam, I cried because I’m to scared.Really
scared.Like,macam mna kalau saya gagal exam kali ni.Mesti saya akan kecewakan
harapan mak,ayah and my family.Lagipun kos ni adalah pilihan hati sendiri.Kos
yang memang saya minat sejak kecil lagi. but Alhmdulillah,I success with flying
colours.My mom at Shah Alam tolong tengokkan cucu2 dia sebab kebetulan kakak
ipar ada kursus kerana kerjaya dia as a teacher.And also my mom have some
business with her friends at Penang.
21 October Jumaat
Still lagi ada kelas sebab lecturer nak
bagi osganisation untuk class.And that night I called her to tell about my exam
and how my studies going.Din’t talk much but I regret until now because I have
so much to tell her.She still at Shah Alam.
22 October Sabtu
I woke up early that day and feeling really
hungry.Tapi disebabkan saya buat part time dekat 1 mall,So I decided to eat my
lunch there.I ate Yong tau fuu.Abig bowl and I can finished it.Sebenarnya saya
ni bukan yang jenis makan banyak sangat tapi entah kenapa haritu I was to
hungry.
After I’m eating lunch,I get back to work
for like 3 hours and manager bagi masa rehat for 1 hour.So I just hanging out
in the store playing my phone.
Masa tulah abang sulung ws family group
cakap mak pengsan di KLIA 2.Dan orang KLIA bru je call abang,Abang baru je
lepas hantar mak masuk ke balai perlepasan sebab she should going home to
Kelantan on this day.She was so happy telling her children to take care of
themselves as if she knows.
Abang sulung mesej untuk expect worst case
sebab bila dia sampia,paramedic tengah buat CPR to my mom.
6.30 p.m-
abang sulung ws lagi kata our mom
dah takda.She’s gone.
I’m still at work at that time.After
receive that messages,I was so shocked.I ran outside and told my manager I got
an emergency case.I don’t cry that time.I just feel numb.I feel empty.So
shocked that you cant feel think or anything.I just ran to the bus stop to go
home.And then my sisiter called suruh siap siap nak ambik saya ke Hospital
Serdang.
7.00 p.m-
I cried so hard at the bus stop.At
that time saya just ada 1 je penyesalan.
If only..if one and only I don’t go to work
that day,I got to see her first.Because my sisiter ada ajak saya untuk pergi ke
rumah abang sulung but I refuse saying that I’m have to work.If only that time I
just follow my sister.If only saya tak buat kerja part time.
I’m still crying until now when I thinked
of it because I have so much regret.Pada masa tu hanya satu je saya rasa,I’m
the most ungrateful child on the world.Lebih pentingkan kerja berbanding my own
mother.The feeling of regret still left inside of me and I’ll carry it all the
time.I can’y even forgive myself.
Walaupun orang cakap how did you know
right?You can’t tell when they’re going to die or leave you.
But after I heard those words,I kept blaming
myself more.Kita tak tahu bila mereka akan teinggalkan kita kan?
So why did I can’t korbankan masa sehari tu
je.My mom are going to left me anytime because she’s old already.Penting sangat
ke duit tu??
But when I looked back,I worked because I
want to help my mother.Dia tanggung kami 3 beradik yang masih belajar(actually I
have 6 siblings) on herself.Yuran,makan minum everything.When people asked
where’s my father,I’ll told you that story later.
9.30 p.m-
Jenazah mak sampai which is I can’t barely
look at.Rasa berdosa tu tinggi sangat.I want to keep crying but I know if I do
that my mom will feel even more hurt.
I was so stressed until I throw out all the
food that I ate on lunch.My siblings mandikan mak but I did not.I can’t touch
her.I can’t even looked.I don’t want to look because deep inside my heart I want
to believe that is not my mom.While waiting at the hospital,I was hoping that
jika van jenzah tu sampai,and beg tu dibuka.I was hoping that she’s not my
mom.I was hoping that diorang buat mistake that she’s my mom.I was hoping that
my mom called my brother and said,
“ Hey,I’ve already arrived at Kelantan and your father are going to pick me up ”
I was hoping like that and we all laugh
because how can we do such a big fool mistakes.Which is of course it’s not.
I just sleep in the car.Semangat saya
hilang sebab she’s the one who gave me all the spirits.Dia yang selalu
sokong,selalu bagi semangat and never tired listening to my pointless drama
again and again.The one who always care and nagging if I don’t eat properly
which is I always do that.The one who always taking care of others before
herself.The one and only one my mother in this world.
But where did I put her?
The second after work?
Until now I can vividly remember those
feelings.
After pengebumian berjalan lancer,I always though ,
" Why me? "
Of course I blamed Allah for that(forgive
my sin)I blamed Qada’ Qadar.Why me?I asked Him.Ramai lagi anak yang
abandoned kan ibu mereka,killed their mother,ibu yang buang anak and I’m here
just want to see my mother’s smile.Yet why still me?
I’m not strong at that
time.I’m feeling angry.I just 19 years old while my other siblings are already
at their 20’s and 30’s.I need my mom the most during that age.But He took her
away.I said He’s not fair.I loose my faith with my believe.
“ Sessunguhnya tiada tempat yang lebih baik melainkan di sisiNYA ”
I said this to myself.I love her but he loves more.Stop
saying that Allah tak uji orang yang lemah.No..but with that ujian we become
stronger. :)
still I'm crying while typing this but i I know that I have to be strong.Strong for her and myself.Saya takkan sia-siakan hidup yang dia bagi dekat saya.
To be continued..
