Rapuh

Allah mengurniakan air mata sebagai simbol kekuatan kepada manusia agar dia dapat kembali mengumpul kekuatan apabila jatuh tersungkur.
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Apabila hati ini mengeluh;
"Ya Allah aku penat."
Lalu Dia menjawab;
"Tidak aku turunkan ujian kepada hambaku melainkan dia mampu menghadapinya."
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Apabila hati ini terdetik;
"Ya Allah,ujian apakah ini?"
Lalu dia membisik;
"Bagaimanakah mereka mengaku bahawa mereka dalam kalangan orang orang yang beriman sedangkan mereka tidak pernah diuji?"
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Manusia itu lemah.Apatah lagi seperti kata kata Kekasih bahawa iman kita hanyalah senipis kulit bawang.
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Ada masanya hati berbolak balik inginkan jalan pulang.
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Ada kalanya hati berenang renang inginkan bebas dari cengkaman persoalan.
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Ada ketikanya hati lantang persoalkan takdir yang membuatkan aku tersungkur di landasan kebenaran.
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Ketika itulah kekuatan Iman teruji lemas di padang pasir putus asa dan bisikan ghaib.
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Saat itulah hati ini akan teringatkan kekasih yang berlari lari mencari umatnya walaupun ketika itu iman hanyalah sebesar biji sawi.
Kekasih yang seumur hidupnya tidak pernah mempersoalkan takdir yang tertulis walau diuji ancaman nyawa dan kehilangan yang tercinta.
Kekasih yang sepatunya dipenuhi air merah untuk aku bernafas dalam keagunngan Islam sehingga ke hari ini.
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اَللّهمَّ إِلَيْكَ أَشْكُوْ ضُعْفَ قُوَّتِيْ ، وَقِلَّةَ حِيْلَتِيْ ،

وَهَوَانِيْ عَلَى النَّاسِ ، يَا أَرْحَمَ الرَّاحِمِيْنَ ، أَنْتَ

رَبُّ الْمُسْتَضْعَفِيْنَ ، وَأَنْتَ رَبِّي
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Allahuma inni ashku ilayka du'fa quwati wa qilata heelati wa hawaani ala annaas. yaa arham araahimin, anta rab almustadafeena wa anta rabi
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"Oh, Allah, I appeal to you for the weakness in my strength, and my limited power, and the treatment of contempt and humiliation from people. To you, the most Merciful of all the Merciful ones, you are the Lord of the oppressed, and you are my Lord."

"Ya Allah,Aku pohon kepadamu kekuatan dalam kelemahanku,dalam kekuasaanku dan dalam menghadapi ujian Mu.KepadaMu,yang Maha Pemurah Lagi Maha Penyanyang,kaulah Tuhanku maka tidak akan aku berpaling daripadamu."
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Diam.Hati rasa lapang.
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080517/1906

Hikmatul In Qada' and Qadar

She's beautiful,isn't she?

Sedar tak sedar,almost 3 months she left me.I still remember the day she breathe her last breathe on 22 nd October 2016.

Saya dapat tahu berita tu masa tengah kerja part time di sebuah kedai kasut berdekatan.Actually,I just finished my final exam.And this is where the story start”

19/20 October 2016

I just finished my final exam..On night before my practical exam, I cried because I’m to scared.Really scared.Like,macam mna kalau saya gagal exam kali ni.Mesti saya akan kecewakan harapan mak,ayah and my family.Lagipun kos ni adalah pilihan hati sendiri.Kos yang memang saya minat sejak kecil lagi. but Alhmdulillah,I success with flying colours.My mom at Shah Alam tolong tengokkan cucu2 dia sebab kebetulan kakak ipar ada kursus kerana kerjaya dia as a teacher.And also my mom have some business with her friends at Penang.

21 October Jumaat

Still lagi ada kelas sebab lecturer nak bagi osganisation untuk class.And that night I called her to tell about my exam and how my studies going.Din’t talk much but I regret until now because I have so much to tell her.She still at Shah Alam.

22 October Sabtu

I woke up early that day and feeling really hungry.Tapi disebabkan saya buat part time dekat 1 mall,So I decided to eat my lunch there.I ate Yong tau fuu.Abig bowl and I can finished it.Sebenarnya saya ni bukan yang jenis makan banyak sangat tapi entah kenapa haritu I was to hungry.

After I’m eating lunch,I get back to work for like 3 hours and manager bagi masa rehat for 1 hour.So I just hanging out in the store playing my phone.

Masa tulah abang sulung ws family group cakap mak pengsan di KLIA 2.Dan orang KLIA bru je call abang,Abang baru je lepas hantar mak masuk ke balai perlepasan sebab she should going home to Kelantan on this day.She was so happy telling her children to take care of themselves as if she knows.

Abang sulung mesej untuk expect worst case sebab bila dia sampia,paramedic tengah buat CPR to my mom.

6.30 p.m-

 abang sulung ws lagi kata our mom dah takda.She’s gone.

I’m still at work at that time.After receive that messages,I was so shocked.I ran outside and told my manager I got an emergency case.I don’t cry that time.I just feel numb.I feel empty.So shocked that you cant feel think or anything.I just ran to the bus stop to go home.And then my sisiter called suruh siap siap nak ambik saya ke Hospital Serdang.

7.00 p.m-

 I cried so hard at the bus stop.At that time saya just ada 1 je penyesalan.

If only..if one and only I don’t go to work that day,I got to see her first.Because my sisiter ada ajak saya untuk pergi ke rumah abang sulung but I refuse saying that I’m have to work.If only that time I just follow my sister.If only saya tak buat kerja part time.

I’m still crying until now when I thinked of it because I have so much regret.Pada masa tu hanya satu je saya rasa,I’m the most ungrateful child on the world.Lebih pentingkan kerja berbanding my own mother.The feeling of regret still left inside of me and I’ll carry it all the time.I can’y even forgive myself.

Walaupun orang cakap how did you know right?You can’t tell when they’re going to die or leave you.

But after I heard those words,I kept blaming myself more.Kita tak tahu bila mereka akan teinggalkan kita kan?

So why did I can’t korbankan masa sehari tu je.My mom are going to left me anytime because she’s old already.Penting sangat ke duit tu??

But when I looked back,I worked because I want to help my mother.Dia tanggung kami 3 beradik yang masih belajar(actually I have 6 siblings) on herself.Yuran,makan minum everything.When people asked where’s my father,I’ll told you that story later.

9.30 p.m-

Jenazah mak sampai which is I can’t barely look at.Rasa berdosa tu tinggi sangat.I want to keep crying but I know if I do that my mom will feel even more hurt.

I was so stressed until I throw out all the food that I ate on lunch.My siblings mandikan mak but I did not.I can’t touch her.I can’t even looked.I don’t want to look because deep inside my heart I want to believe that is not my mom.While waiting at the hospital,I was hoping that jika van jenzah tu sampai,and beg tu dibuka.I was hoping that she’s not my mom.I was hoping that diorang buat mistake that she’s my mom.I was hoping that my mom called my brother and said,

“ Hey,I’ve already arrived at Kelantan and your father are going to pick me up ”

I was hoping like that and we all laugh because how can we do such a big fool mistakes.Which is of course it’s not.

I just sleep in the car.Semangat saya hilang sebab she’s the one who gave me all the spirits.Dia yang selalu sokong,selalu bagi semangat and never tired listening to my pointless drama again and again.The one who always care and nagging if I don’t eat properly which is I always do that.The one who always taking care of others before herself.The one and only one my mother in this world.

But where did I put her?

The second after work?

Until now I can vividly remember those feelings.

After pengebumian berjalan lancer,I always though ,

"  Why me?  "

Of course I blamed Allah for that(forgive my sin)I blamed Qada’ Qadar.Why me?I asked Him.Ramai lagi anak yang abandoned kan ibu mereka,killed their mother,ibu yang buang anak and I’m here just want to see my mother’s smile.Yet why still me?

I’m not strong at that time.I’m feeling angry.I just 19 years old while my other siblings are already at their 20’s and 30’s.I need my mom the most during that age.But He took her away.I said He’s not fair.I loose my faith with my believe.

“ Sessunguhnya tiada tempat yang lebih baik melainkan di sisiNYA ” 

I said this to myself.I love her but he loves more.Stop saying that Allah tak uji orang yang lemah.No..but with that ujian we become stronger. :)

still I'm crying while typing this but i I know that I have to be strong.Strong for her and myself.Saya takkan sia-siakan hidup yang dia bagi dekat saya.

To be continued..

Fikiranku

Ketika fikiran aku menerewang jauh ke alam maya
Dirinya selalu berlari di minda ini
Dirinya buat aku tertanya
Apa rahsia yang terselindung di sebalik senyuman itu
Senyuman yang bagiku terlalu mahal untuk dijadikan simbolik personaliti dirinya
Tetapi terlalu murah untuk menceriakan hati hati yang rawang

Aku pula tidak berani untuk menatap matanya
Mata yang sebegitu tajam bak sebilah belati
Yang mampu menusuk ke dalam jiwa
Lalu membuatkan kau terperangkap di dalam lautan cinta

Personalitinya kadang kadang buatkan aku bingung.
Sekejap begitu sekejap begini
Membuatkan aku tersenyum sendirian bila mengenangkan dia
Kebudak budakan nya ada
Serius bak seorang panglima yang menerajui bala tentera ada jua yang terselit
Tapi ternyata dia sangat setia sebagai seorang kawan

Nadi dia untuk terus hidup adalah senyuman orang yang gembira
Baginya itu sudah cukup
Membuatkan jiwanya kenyang
Tidur lena bagai bayi di dakapan bonda

Hormatnya pada orang sangat tinggi
Bak gunung everest yang berdiri gah melangit
Bangga mempamerkan akulah tongak dunia

Tapi
Sejauh mana dia begitu begini
Dia pun ada kekurangannya sebagai manusia
Dalam senyum ada kecewanya
Dalam sayang ada marahnya
Dalam hormat ada egonya
Namun itu yang menjadikan dia itu dia

Dia yang bayangnya selalu ku ekori dengan hujung mata
Menari nari di dalam fikiran
Seterusnya singgah di hati

Akan tetapi selama mana hati ini dia singgah
Adakah dia akan terus mengetuk dari pintu ke pintu
Untuk mencari satu persinggahan abadi

Namun percayalah
Apabila dirimu sudah penat
Bermusafir mencari peraduanmu
Toleh dan pulanglah ke sini
Akan ku buka pintu untuk dirimu
Lalu lenalah kau dalam dakapan lautan rindu
Yang setia menanti hanya kamu.

Lost

"You always made my day!"She said while giggling."I wonder why did you always so cheerful everyday?Did you ever take things seriously?"

"Well,sometimes.But mostly I'm not.I have this bad habit laughing so hard in serious time.Anytime.Anywhere.Like why so serious,bruh?You gotta chill your ass off."

"Oh my god!How can you?"She burst into laugh again."Well,maybe that's why I love you."She said with a sweet smile.He glance at her with the corner of his eyes.

'I love you too.You said you love me because I always made your day happy.I want to tell you everything.I want to tell you that your smile could brighten my day and made the storms washed away.I also want to scream at world how your eyes like a pool of molten chocolate that I want to dive into,that you're the reason that I'm the happiest man alive and every time I think of 

you make me want to smile.'
"What?"She blushed when he locked his eyes too long in hers.

"Nothing.Just thinking what a beautiful best friends that I have."he said while laughing.

"You always said things like that."She gave him a smile while walked away hands in hands with the love of her life.He smile while on the inside he feel like he may broke a piece of his own heart.

And I am sitting here beside their table listening to everything.I caught a shadow of her eyes glancing at him sipping his coffee before she walked away.I'll always thought how many of you have met your most important things but have lost it.Not because of your ego.But because you always make jokes on the things that you're afraid to take anything seriously.

Because,when you take things seriously,they matter.And if they matter,you want it to last.But,nothing last.Everything is temporary.

Maybe one day

One day we'll meet again,
Even when we going along our way without saying goodbye or promises,
One we'll meet again,
Maybe when I was strolling around the mall,
Or our movies seat are just beside each other,
Or you're just a next line of me while buying parking tickets,
Or we met at the same book club on a sunny Sunday afternoon.
And maybe we'll smile at each other.
Maybe we'll be going to the nearest coffee shop.
Sipping a cup of cappuccino acting like two old friends.
And the coffee will be the best coffee in my life.
Even I don't like coffee that much.
Maybe we'll just exchange each other's number.
And catch up later.
Because we are too busy with our life.
Maybe I'll come to your place,
Or met at a restaurant for dinner or lunch or breakfast.
Maybe that one day will come.
Maybe I felt this emptiness in heart,
Because there's still a dim glow of hope,
Hidden between ocean of secrets.
"Maybe one day"
I whispered to myself
Maybe one day if this 7 years hasn't been too long.
-maybe one day-
12/14/16  1347

Gambling

My old post when I'm changing my major from Stpm to Diploma on my very first day of exam semester 1.Still loved it until now 😄😄

life is a gamble.you take a chance and let your heart go like a dice.you will never know the result untill the end.change your life today.Don't gamble on the future.Act now,without delay.and one more thing,never give up.Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish it.Time will pass anyway.Never give up on what you really want to do.People might think you're crazy.Just stop worrying about what you have to loose and start focusing on what you have to gain.Don't be afraid.When life gives you something that makes you feel afraid,that's when life gives you a chance to be brave.

Ps:
For those who think i'm crazy,i though you knew.
Xoxoxo mieyzah_mazlan

18/11/15
12:08 am

The demon

A friend ask me to describe what's depression feels like.How did you you know it started.

No my dear.You don't even know since when or how.You're just in the middle of it before you couldn't care.It's like you're under a spell.Which is you can't even break free.

When you're with your friends,you're not sad.You can smile.You can laugh.But sometimes you just wanted to run in to the bathroom.Just to cry.

Depression not making you sad.It making you swallowed yourself.It making you feel weak,so small so fragile.So untamed until you feel scared of yourself.And some night,you just forgot how to feel.

It's when you're holding a knife to cook,it whispered to you to cut deeper.Deeper and deeper.So deep until you reach the bottom.You'll feel the pain.You're feeling hurt.Also satisfied.Like you're cutting the demon inside yours.Telling them to go away from you.
Even down inside you know that they always win.

Depression is also a struggle honey.
It's between what you know,what you feel and what the demon had been told you.They told you you're not worth the flowers of friendship your friends give it to you.They told you your brothers just don't care.Your sisters hate you.Your mom will never accept you when she know the truth.Your dad will never believe in you.
On the other side,you know the people that you love will always be by your side.You felt their love and care melting like a pool of lava inside your heart.
But,just like before,the demons always win.

Depression also not about how it's hurts.Not really about how you stay wide awake at 3 a.m.Wondering where did you do so wrong.Over thinking is your new partner at that time.It's when you're enjoying your times with your best friends at the bowling alley.But feeling want to scream on the top of your lungs.

Depression is not always the line of bottled pills.That you swallowed at 12.30 p.m during lunch.Trying not to puke you breakfast out.It can be the most popular girl sitting with their bleachers.Starving herself just to fit in the puzzle.Also it's not always the boy who's wearing long sleeves shirt.It may be the boy who's playing the football outside.Wishing to dump the demon just like the ball he kick every games.

Actually,depress people they don't want your attention.They just need society to understand.More to their loved one to be there for them.Not to heal them.But to always held their hands.While they mend themselves.

Sometimes,maybe we're feeling annoyed or angry or hurt when we saw them hurting themselves.

Like who did that to you?Who f***ed you so bad until you forgot how to think.You forgot to feel.Until the numbness swallowed your whole body.Why didn't you told others?

But baby just like I told you.You're just in the middle before you even know when and how it started.