Hikmatul In Qada' and Qadar

She's beautiful,isn't she?

Sedar tak sedar,almost 3 months she left me.I still remember the day she breathe her last breathe on 22 nd October 2016.

Saya dapat tahu berita tu masa tengah kerja part time di sebuah kedai kasut berdekatan.Actually,I just finished my final exam.And this is where the story start”

19/20 October 2016

I just finished my final exam..On night before my practical exam, I cried because I’m to scared.Really scared.Like,macam mna kalau saya gagal exam kali ni.Mesti saya akan kecewakan harapan mak,ayah and my family.Lagipun kos ni adalah pilihan hati sendiri.Kos yang memang saya minat sejak kecil lagi. but Alhmdulillah,I success with flying colours.My mom at Shah Alam tolong tengokkan cucu2 dia sebab kebetulan kakak ipar ada kursus kerana kerjaya dia as a teacher.And also my mom have some business with her friends at Penang.

21 October Jumaat

Still lagi ada kelas sebab lecturer nak bagi osganisation untuk class.And that night I called her to tell about my exam and how my studies going.Din’t talk much but I regret until now because I have so much to tell her.She still at Shah Alam.

22 October Sabtu

I woke up early that day and feeling really hungry.Tapi disebabkan saya buat part time dekat 1 mall,So I decided to eat my lunch there.I ate Yong tau fuu.Abig bowl and I can finished it.Sebenarnya saya ni bukan yang jenis makan banyak sangat tapi entah kenapa haritu I was to hungry.

After I’m eating lunch,I get back to work for like 3 hours and manager bagi masa rehat for 1 hour.So I just hanging out in the store playing my phone.

Masa tulah abang sulung ws family group cakap mak pengsan di KLIA 2.Dan orang KLIA bru je call abang,Abang baru je lepas hantar mak masuk ke balai perlepasan sebab she should going home to Kelantan on this day.She was so happy telling her children to take care of themselves as if she knows.

Abang sulung mesej untuk expect worst case sebab bila dia sampia,paramedic tengah buat CPR to my mom.

6.30 p.m-

 abang sulung ws lagi kata our mom dah takda.She’s gone.

I’m still at work at that time.After receive that messages,I was so shocked.I ran outside and told my manager I got an emergency case.I don’t cry that time.I just feel numb.I feel empty.So shocked that you cant feel think or anything.I just ran to the bus stop to go home.And then my sisiter called suruh siap siap nak ambik saya ke Hospital Serdang.

7.00 p.m-

 I cried so hard at the bus stop.At that time saya just ada 1 je penyesalan.

If only..if one and only I don’t go to work that day,I got to see her first.Because my sisiter ada ajak saya untuk pergi ke rumah abang sulung but I refuse saying that I’m have to work.If only that time I just follow my sister.If only saya tak buat kerja part time.

I’m still crying until now when I thinked of it because I have so much regret.Pada masa tu hanya satu je saya rasa,I’m the most ungrateful child on the world.Lebih pentingkan kerja berbanding my own mother.The feeling of regret still left inside of me and I’ll carry it all the time.I can’y even forgive myself.

Walaupun orang cakap how did you know right?You can’t tell when they’re going to die or leave you.

But after I heard those words,I kept blaming myself more.Kita tak tahu bila mereka akan teinggalkan kita kan?

So why did I can’t korbankan masa sehari tu je.My mom are going to left me anytime because she’s old already.Penting sangat ke duit tu??

But when I looked back,I worked because I want to help my mother.Dia tanggung kami 3 beradik yang masih belajar(actually I have 6 siblings) on herself.Yuran,makan minum everything.When people asked where’s my father,I’ll told you that story later.

9.30 p.m-

Jenazah mak sampai which is I can’t barely look at.Rasa berdosa tu tinggi sangat.I want to keep crying but I know if I do that my mom will feel even more hurt.

I was so stressed until I throw out all the food that I ate on lunch.My siblings mandikan mak but I did not.I can’t touch her.I can’t even looked.I don’t want to look because deep inside my heart I want to believe that is not my mom.While waiting at the hospital,I was hoping that jika van jenzah tu sampai,and beg tu dibuka.I was hoping that she’s not my mom.I was hoping that diorang buat mistake that she’s my mom.I was hoping that my mom called my brother and said,

“ Hey,I’ve already arrived at Kelantan and your father are going to pick me up ”

I was hoping like that and we all laugh because how can we do such a big fool mistakes.Which is of course it’s not.

I just sleep in the car.Semangat saya hilang sebab she’s the one who gave me all the spirits.Dia yang selalu sokong,selalu bagi semangat and never tired listening to my pointless drama again and again.The one who always care and nagging if I don’t eat properly which is I always do that.The one who always taking care of others before herself.The one and only one my mother in this world.

But where did I put her?

The second after work?

Until now I can vividly remember those feelings.

After pengebumian berjalan lancer,I always though ,

"  Why me?  "

Of course I blamed Allah for that(forgive my sin)I blamed Qada’ Qadar.Why me?I asked Him.Ramai lagi anak yang abandoned kan ibu mereka,killed their mother,ibu yang buang anak and I’m here just want to see my mother’s smile.Yet why still me?

I’m not strong at that time.I’m feeling angry.I just 19 years old while my other siblings are already at their 20’s and 30’s.I need my mom the most during that age.But He took her away.I said He’s not fair.I loose my faith with my believe.

“ Sessunguhnya tiada tempat yang lebih baik melainkan di sisiNYA ” 

I said this to myself.I love her but he loves more.Stop saying that Allah tak uji orang yang lemah.No..but with that ujian we become stronger. :)

still I'm crying while typing this but i I know that I have to be strong.Strong for her and myself.Saya takkan sia-siakan hidup yang dia bagi dekat saya.

To be continued..